The Hardest Thing I've Ever Had To Teach My Child

When you become a parent, you know there are things you will have to teach your child. Things like; "Don't put that in your mouth", use the potty, "Say please and thank you", learn your ABCs and 123s. Other stuff happens as a reaction, like no hitting or biting (or swearing.. oops) and be gentle with animals. Then there are the things that you don't realize need teaching until you are faced with them head on.
For instance, how to behave in a social situation, or how to make friends.

For me, the hardest lesson to teach, and to accept myself,  has been "not everyone is friendly". In other words; "leave people alone if they don't want to interact with you". When Aurora first learned that she could get a reaction from people by smiling or talking to them, it was incredibly exciting for her. When she was a baby, she would wave at everyone and there was nothing more frustrating for me than watching people go out of their way to ignore her. At that age, though, she was oblivious and, because I was always holding her and she had a short attention span, the moment usually passed quickly. These days, though, she is more persistent. If someone doesn't acknowledge her, she will often go out of her way to get their attention.

Many people respond well, but others, not so much. She is curious about everything and it's her job at this age to learn about the world around her. This includes the people she sees every day. She wants to know about them too. She is learning important information about how to interact with others. This is something that could set the stage for her entire social life. How do you explain to your child, who is just trying to make friends, that many people don't want to be bothered? She knows that I love her. She knows that the people she sees on a regular basis like her. She knows that she can make friends with other kids and some other adults. But... what about that guy on the bus giving her a dirty look for asking too many questions? 

If other kids don't mind her questions and most people will interact with her in a very age-appropriate way, why can't everyone?

Aurora is extremely social... I'm sure she gets that from me. She is not shy and has no problem voicing her opinions. She loves interacting with other people and I think it's important for her. Moreover, she's really GOOD at making friends. Whenever we're in a situation where there are other kids, she gravitates towards them in a very natural way. Sometimes, it's as simple as sitting next to someone until they notice her.

Sometimes she plays alongside and occasionally she will ask about something the other kid is doing.

Sometimes, she goes so far as to give a random person a giant hug...
 for no apparent reason other than the simple fact that she wanted to.

Almost universally, the other kid responds well. It is the parents (myself included) that stand by waiting for something to go wrong. Why is that? Most kids are born with a natural ability to make personal connections and we, as parents, spend their formative years discouraging it! We do this by imposing our own prejudices on them or by outright teaching them to be more reserved. What is so wrong with giving someone a hug just because you want to? Why is it such an imposition when someone we don't know starts a conversation? These are adult hangups and we have no right to train our kids the same way when all they want to do is make friends. I think it's wildly unfair. However, I also recognize that we are a society that revolves around everyone having a bubble of personal space that no one should invade. I know that some people will react poorly if Aurora is always so outgoing. I also realize that some people may not have the best intentions.

I guess where I am going with this is, do I really have to teach her that talking to or touching other people isn't okay? Do we have to go over guidelines about where/when and how she is allowed to make friends?This goes beyond the typical "Don't talk to strangers" diatribe. Personally, I hate that lesson. I understand where it comes from (fear) but I refuse to make it that cut and dry for several reasons. For one, some people genuinely DO want to make connections and I think that is important. Secondly, I don't want to instill universal and unwarranted fear of the unknown into her. Should we be teaching our kids that all strangers are 'bad' just because one or two in her life may actually be? For me, the answer is no.

I think learning to trust your instincts is more important. I've rarely, if ever, been wrong when I get an uneasy feeling about a person. This is something we all have the ability to recognize. Some people make your hair stand on end, others you want to cross the street to avoid talking to, some people are fine to talk to but you question the validity of everything they say. We can all see these things. However, it took me many years to fully trust that instinct. Why? Because I grew up with a "don't trust strangers" mindset. Then, as I grew older, I realized that if I never trusted strangers, I would become a creepy unemployed and reclusive cat-lady who never made friends or had lovers and who would inevitably die alone. 

The truth is we NEED strangers in our lives. They help us learn and grow and without them we would be incredibly lonely. Not to mention the fact that we would never get jobs or go on dates or make new friends.

Reconciling these two truths became very hard when I was in my teens and early twenties because I never had to rely on my gut before. Strangers were bad... period. Upon the realization that strangers were actually very important, it became hard to decide which ones were trustworthy. I had completely lost touch with that basic social instinct that we are all born with. I had no bullshit detector. I didn't know when people were just using me. I found myself believing people when they said they were telling the truth, even if a tiny part of me knew they weren't. I was desperate to let people get close to me and I made quite a few poor decisions as a result. Then, I sort of went the other way...

TRUST NO ONE.

I spent the majority of my mid-twenties as a jaded and miserable person. I thought everyone had ulterior motives. I assumed that I would never find someone who genuinely loved me. It took me a very long time to let all of that anger and disappointment go. I often wonder how much heartache I could have avoided if I had a better grasp on how to judge people. Is it really just a matter of getting older and wiser?
I think that is part of it, of course. But I also believe that we are fundamentally set up for failure because we never learn how to socialize.

Almost everyone I know has similar childhoods. They had a select group of friends that didn't change until school, if it changed at all. For the most part, the only adults in their lives were relatives. I can't remember any significant childhood memory that involves someone outside of my family or my two friends growing up. Granted, I also grew up in the time of 'children are seen and now heard'. I'm sure this also played a part. The thing is, the memories I have of my family are mostly amazing ones. They were adults who interacted with me in a way that was different from my parents. I learned things, I grew, and these moments stuck with me. Imagine how many more I might have had if I had met more people?

So how do we bridge this gap between "don't talk to strangers" and "only talk to the right strangers"? For us, so far, it has been a matter of teaching Aura that "not everyone is friendly" for now. She is allowed to say hello to whoever she wants (as long as she is with me). If they don't want to talk to her, I redirect her and explain later. Sometimes even when she is initially well received, she gets too excited or tries to touch people which makes them uncomfortable. In those situations, I tell her to keep her hands to herself and if she can't calm down, I redirect her. She seems to be picking up social cues little by little and will often get the hint that someone doesn't want to interact. On more than one occasion, she has told me "That person isn't friendly" which I always think is hilarious and which I secretly hope will teach the other person a lesson.

As she gets older, and is in situations where I am not right next to her, we will have to elaborate and learn the difference between strangers who are safe and those who are not. This raises a whole new set of issues. Is the person with the uniform on always friendly? How about the person teaching children's activities at the park? Are they always safe? How can you be sure they work there?

In my opinion, the simple answer is; you can't ever be sure based on appearance. But this doesn't mean you should be afraid of strangers! This is where trusting your instincts will come in. We already talk about being able to judge moods, she knows when people are happy or sad and she's pretty good at spotting a faker! I'm hoping this will translate well into being able to tell if someone is honest. I also want to teach her to trust her gut. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't. She's not obligated to trust anyone except for me. She doesn't have to talk to someone if she's uncomfortable and she never, ever has to go anywhere with anyone. Ever. But that doesn't mean she has to stay in a bubble and be afraid. I don't want her to ever think that she has to be afraid of people. I don't want her to feel like she's not allowed to make new friends or to be outgoing.  Some people aren't friendly. That's their problem, not hers. Plenty of other people are.

Dating, and Why I Suck at It, Pt. 2

Oh hey there, you may remember my original Dating and Why I Suck at It post from earlier this year. Well, things didn't work out with that guy, after all. No hard feelings, at all, he's a great guy. We were just two very different people and I think we both wanted different things. As far as breakups go, it was probably my easiest and least traumatic. Anyway, single Angela has a whole different set of issues.
Like last time, I totally understand if you're just here to see cute pictures of Aurora, here are a few to tide you over until my next family-related update. This is Aurora playing with water beads. She's obsessed. I actually bought them in bulk, so if you're in the market for some, I'm your girl.

Um... then this happened.

Hi there. I'm ridiculous.

Ok, still with me? Last chance, this is about to venture into rant territory.
So, I've been officially single again for a couple months now. I've been attempting to go out more often and reconnect with some people, but between mom life, school life and social life I'm starting to feel like three separate people lately. I'm not looking to dive into another relationship right away, I think I'm probably too busy to juggle one right now anyway. I would like to date more, though. For the first time in a LONG time, I'm totally 100% available, and not by choice. Usually, if I'm single it's on purpose, because I need to be and if I'm not, there's at least someone for me to spend time with, unofficially. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I'm starting to feel a little lonely. During the day, I don't notice it because I have Aurora and tons of things to do. Nighttime is a different story, especially when I finish my schoolwork and my roommate is out or busy. I miss having someone around.
So anyway,  I've been trying to get back out there. Not looking for anything in particular, just seeing what's out there. The answer is: NObody. I think I forgot that this town is horrible for dating in. Everyone knows each other and everyone's business and I've already dated most of the people I've ever cared to. I also seemed to have forgotten that Single Angela is kind of an idiot. I have this bad habit of developing crushes on multiple people at the same time. I think I'm juggling like, six, at the moment. Ok, it's not really a bad thing, and they're mostly harmless. However, the bad part is, these crushes are almost without exception completely unavailable. For instance, at the moment two are in relationships, one married and one is... well, I don't know what that one is yet, but he's certainly not available. The others are pretty half-hearted and probably won't amount to much.
So, here's where I tell you another reason to add to the list of why Angela sucks at dating. Last night, I had a date. Well, I should have had a date. However... I didn't go and I told him we would have to reschedule (but I probably won't). Why, you ask? Because this guy doesn't drink and before the date I was stupid and decided to hang out at my favorite bar with one of my unavailable crushes.
I had a date.
I blew him off.
I.  AM.  AN.  IDIOT.
I didn't blow off the date to stay at the bar, at least I can feel good about that, I guess? I left with every intention of meeting up with this guy. But when I got halfway there I started re-evaluating things, mainly the fact that I had like 5 drinks and that's not the best first impression on a sober guy. Two, this guy is super sweet and very good looking... but I don't think there's much of a spark there. We don't really have very good conversations, I like to laugh, it's not too hard to make me laugh, and I don't think that's happened once with him. The last time I tried to make something like that work anyway, it didn't. I was having more fun at the bar and as the time to leave got closer, I realized that I wasn't looking forward to the date at all. Maybe it was just crush-proximity, but that's probably a bad sign, right? At the same time, should I really be passing up dates with nice, handsome men when I just clearly stated a few paragraphs ago that I've been feeling lonely?
See? Single Angela is a mess.
Please help.

First Comes Baby is going PR friendly!!

So as part of a much bigger New Year's resolution, I've decided to step up my blogging game a bit. 

I've built up a good following and I have been getting great feedback from my readers.
I've been approached more than a few times for advertising and giveaways but have been reluctant to commit to hosting them on a regular basis because the blog was so new. 

Well, it's not new any more... so let the games begin!

 FCB is officially PR Friendly!

Growth = Changes

Aurora is becoming very headstrong these days. This is not a bad thing in my opinion and I'm doing what I can to encourage her exploration and curiosity with the obvious exception of things that will hurt her. In light of this, the somewhat flimsy but adorable bedside table I've had for years has been put away in another room for a bit after Aura hulk-smashed it this morning while trying to climb out of bed and reach the alarm clock. For some reason she loves that clock and if she wakes up from a nap she bee-lines straight for it. Strange but true.
My coffee table will also be residing in the basement until I'm positive she can navigate it without attempting a shaky pull-up and smashing her face, the table was a refurbished trash pick from years ago and spending the $20 to surround it with bumpers really didn't make much sense to me, so adios for now. I can no longer get into my own kitchen cabinets because I keep forgetting the latches I installed and there is no more walking away from the bean, not even for a second. Just looking at her, you'd never guess how fast she is... but it's the NOT looking at her that's the problem. I swear she can tell the instant I'm not paying close attention! Anyway, these things are all very minor inconveniences when you consider the payoff. She's so proud of herself every time she manages to get vertical. She's surprisingly confident about attempting new things, concentrating super hard until she gets it and she's all smiles once she figures out something new.
The evolution from the helpless little sprout who couldn't hold her own head up is phenomenal and it's only been seven and a half months. I can't wait to see what's in store for us. I'm sure more baby gates and doorknob covers and toilet latches are in our very near future. With growth comes changes.

Speaking of which, I think this blog needs an overhaul. The layout was cute when it was mostly for me, but with the addition of my mama networks and the few sponsors I've taken on it's starting to look a little slap-dash. Also, I'm finding that this template is not nearly as flexible as I'd like/need it to be. I'm a little overwhelmed at the prospect right now so it may not happen soon. I also need to decide what direction I'll go with it and I'd like to figure out a similarly minimalist design. Funny, this time last year I wouldn't have pictured all this upheaval. But, like I said with growth comes change. 

Exciting and scary as change may be...

So, any blog-savvy folk that want to give me some advice, I'm all eyes.

Why baby-led weaning wasn't (entirely) for me...

So here's one of the posts that I told (warned) everyone about. Call it a test of sorts. This post contains my opinions only. Not an argument for or against any particular parenting choice (or also religion in this case... yeah, I went there). I'm not inviting, nor do I care to hear any negative or drama causing comments. If you are offended by this or any post or feel your opinions are superior to mine, feel free to contact me directly about it. I don't care to hash things out publicly over the internet. So far I have faith that most of my followers are supportive and open minded people, I hope that I am right.

Ok... now that that is out of the way, let's get on with it. Happy thoughts everyone!

I don't subscribe entirely to any one style of parenting, much like I can't commit to any particular religion. I tend to pick the bits I like and agree with the most from each and leave the rest... It's not that I don't believe or identify with any of them (religion or parenting style).
As a matter of fact in my pursuit of self education in both I've come across things that are insightful and exciting... I've been inspired!
I think:
Wow, this makes so much sense!
I get it, I GET it, I get it!!! Yes!!
and then...
Wait...
What??
That is too much.
Aaaaaand, I'm done.
I feel parenting styles, like religions, all share these amazing ideas and then there this one or two things specific to each that are totally overboard. Again, in my opinion.
Take Catholicism... love everyone (good), do unto others as you would have done unto you (good), our church is the only church (Wait...) original sin i.e. spend your life repenting for what happened before you existed (What??)
Buddhism... love everyone (good), do unto others as you would have done unto you (good), renounce conventional living and all earthy pleasures and possessions (Wait...) meditate until you become god (What??)

I'm sure you can already see where this is going... you may even have parenting philosophies in mind where you've said the same thing. I'm not going to talk about them now, though I probably will eventually.

What I'm talking about right now is Baby Led Weaning. This is one of those instances where at first I was like, whoa... what a great idea! Then I started to really think about it and it didn't entirely sit well with me. In terms of Aura and I specifically. I totally agree with developing hand-eye coordination and chewing and also exploring through touch, taste and smell. I liked the idea of baby being able to explore food at their own pace. But instinctively (there's that all important word again) I knew that there were a few things that wouldn't mesh for us. So, like most things so far, we're almost on board... but there are a few modifications to make it work for us.
First of all, on the pro side, Aurora doesn't eat store bought baby food. There were one or two instances at first when she did and the results made me even more determined that it won't happen again. As a matter of fact, I am so against commercial (particularly jarred) baby food that it may be the one and only parenting choice I'd actually be willing to debate. Bake a sweet potato, mash it and put it in a bowl next to a jar of sweet potato baby food, now pick which one you want to eat... end of debate. But see, even here I'm willing to give a little (and I mean a real little) WIC currently will only provide jarred baby food for babies 6 months to a year and stops giving fruit and veggie checks. I personally donate the food to a food kitchen because I don't want it and I have access to farmer's markets and inexpensive local food sources and time to make my own. Do I expect everyone to have that luxury... honestly, no, of course not. But I do frown upon WIC for not giving moms the option. Yet another story for another time. I digress.
I don't buy commercial food for Aura but I do feed her purees. The main reason being, quite simply that I believe babies should be exposed to as many different foods as possible (within reason of course) early in life.  Food is a very big part of my life. I've worked in restaurants and I cook almost every day. I love trying new foods and recipes. I want my daughter to feel the same and to develop a healthy relationship with food. Purees are the best and easiest ways for her to experience new flavors and tastes. I have introduced her to finger foods already but there is a limit to how many things Aurora can feed herself. At the moment she can just about handle those Happy Baby cereal puffs and she's had bits of banana, cut up cooked carrots and avocado.

Aura LOVES avocados!

Plums!

However, she's already eaten about twenty different types of pureed food so far (and she loves oatmeal!) which I feed her with a spoon. Her purees are much thicker than the stuff they sell for babies her age, but she does not mind at all. She 'chews' them up just fine. But like I said, I do feed her myself along with giving her finger foods. For one, it's less messy and she seems much more satisfied at the end of a feeding. For two, I think it will help her develop a better idea that mealtimes are for eating not playing and last but not least, this way I don't need to cook

Green Beans!

everything to death so that it's soft enough for her to pick up and eat but not choke on. Not to mention the fact that she's more content trying (and often failing) to get those pesky nibbles in her mouth if she has something to actually eat while she's trying.
If you think she'd be better off only feeding herself... well, tell her that when she's frustrated and kicking her feet and banging her hands because she wants the food in her mouth NOW. She's a hungry girl and she likes eating. I'm more than willing to help, even if it means I'm doing it 'wrong'.

One of my 'issues' with full on BLW is that I feel there's this aspect of 'Here kid, if you want to eat you have to figure out how to do it all by yourself.' As a mother I feel it's my job to feed her first and foremost. I completely agree that it is helpful to start early with self feeding so that she'll be able to do these things on her own soon. I just don't feel that six months is the time to start cutting them loose and backing away. Also, I want her to stay excited about food and really want to eat solids, not just play and explore and get them in her mouth occasionally until she figures it out. Again, just my opinion... 

I had originally started whole tirade just to introduce a new section which I originally posted on the blog for my local baby food biz called What Aurora's been eating! I think I'm going to start posting it on this blog instead and linking back in reverse. The other blog is being pretty neglected lately and I feel like it's a better fit here anyway. Apparently I got carried away.

And, on that note, I think this has gone on long enough... sometimes I go off on tangents. I apologize.
Sleepy delirium is kicking in. Good night all.

Positive comments only please.
Thanks! <3

Daddy Issues

I know I haven't posted too much about Aura's 'dad'... I'll try to backfill later but suffice to say he's not involved. I've been on this BabyCenter website and just got into a conversation with someone who is about five steps behind me in an extremely similar situation. It's times like these that I'm truly proud of myself for being a strong person. This girl is younger than me and she's so unsure of every decision she'd like to make. We've been going back and forth for a bit but my last response to her was the perfect short(ish) summary of how/why I decided to handle things the way that I did. I'm posting it so I can remember with absolute clarity how I feel at this moment in case I ever start to doubt myself in the future:

MsAngelStarr · you!
Posted 8 minutes ago

"Yes, it is his responsibility to be there for his daughter but for her sake, don't try and force him to be something he's not. When she gets older and he's going in and out of her life, she'll have that hurt and wonder, why doesn't daddy love me enough to come see me all of the time? He can't give something that he doesn't have,"

This is EXACTLY how I feel about it. My father married my mom because she was pregnant with me. He was there for a few years (better than most in that situation) and two other kids... but he started drifting before my youngest sister was born. "Working late", never present... I'm sure you see where this is going. One day during a fight he told my mother that he was never ready for a family and was sorry he tried. We all heard it. My mother was heartbroken but I think it was worse for us... maybe the worst for me. 

I know how it feels to realize one day that your father was there because 'he had to be' and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It did make me stronger, I'll say that for sure. It made me strong enough to fight for what's right for my daughter. As it stands now I don't speak to the 'dad'. I told him we'd talk and see about visitation when he grows up. He doesn't see her or even pictures of her and he doesn't get updates. If he wants to be involved he has to BE involved. Period. He can't have it both ways.

I will say that I have not shut the door on this issue completely. If he comes back months or years down the line and wants to be involved and more importantly is READY to be involved, then we will certainly talk about it. But you can't make a leopard change his spots. If this dude you're dealing with is unreliable, it's something that he has to (hopefully) grow out of... but don't hold your breath. Boys will be boys. Your daughter deserves to have a family that truly loves her and wants to be with her and that ONLY has her best interest in mind. If that's not him then spare her the years of disappointment down the road. 

 Ultimately it is your decision to make. 

If you need anymore advice from someone who's been dealing with this and, honestly, is pretty damn secure in her decision feel free to contact me. (sorry so longwinded)