The Hardest Thing I've Ever Had To Teach My Child

When you become a parent, you know there are things you will have to teach your child. Things like; "Don't put that in your mouth", use the potty, "Say please and thank you", learn your ABCs and 123s. Other stuff happens as a reaction, like no hitting or biting (or swearing.. oops) and be gentle with animals. Then there are the things that you don't realize need teaching until you are faced with them head on.
For instance, how to behave in a social situation, or how to make friends.

For me, the hardest lesson to teach, and to accept myself,  has been "not everyone is friendly". In other words; "leave people alone if they don't want to interact with you". When Aurora first learned that she could get a reaction from people by smiling or talking to them, it was incredibly exciting for her. When she was a baby, she would wave at everyone and there was nothing more frustrating for me than watching people go out of their way to ignore her. At that age, though, she was oblivious and, because I was always holding her and she had a short attention span, the moment usually passed quickly. These days, though, she is more persistent. If someone doesn't acknowledge her, she will often go out of her way to get their attention.

Many people respond well, but others, not so much. She is curious about everything and it's her job at this age to learn about the world around her. This includes the people she sees every day. She wants to know about them too. She is learning important information about how to interact with others. This is something that could set the stage for her entire social life. How do you explain to your child, who is just trying to make friends, that many people don't want to be bothered? She knows that I love her. She knows that the people she sees on a regular basis like her. She knows that she can make friends with other kids and some other adults. But... what about that guy on the bus giving her a dirty look for asking too many questions? 

If other kids don't mind her questions and most people will interact with her in a very age-appropriate way, why can't everyone?

Aurora is extremely social... I'm sure she gets that from me. She is not shy and has no problem voicing her opinions. She loves interacting with other people and I think it's important for her. Moreover, she's really GOOD at making friends. Whenever we're in a situation where there are other kids, she gravitates towards them in a very natural way. Sometimes, it's as simple as sitting next to someone until they notice her.

Sometimes she plays alongside and occasionally she will ask about something the other kid is doing.

Sometimes, she goes so far as to give a random person a giant hug...
 for no apparent reason other than the simple fact that she wanted to.

Almost universally, the other kid responds well. It is the parents (myself included) that stand by waiting for something to go wrong. Why is that? Most kids are born with a natural ability to make personal connections and we, as parents, spend their formative years discouraging it! We do this by imposing our own prejudices on them or by outright teaching them to be more reserved. What is so wrong with giving someone a hug just because you want to? Why is it such an imposition when someone we don't know starts a conversation? These are adult hangups and we have no right to train our kids the same way when all they want to do is make friends. I think it's wildly unfair. However, I also recognize that we are a society that revolves around everyone having a bubble of personal space that no one should invade. I know that some people will react poorly if Aurora is always so outgoing. I also realize that some people may not have the best intentions.

I guess where I am going with this is, do I really have to teach her that talking to or touching other people isn't okay? Do we have to go over guidelines about where/when and how she is allowed to make friends?This goes beyond the typical "Don't talk to strangers" diatribe. Personally, I hate that lesson. I understand where it comes from (fear) but I refuse to make it that cut and dry for several reasons. For one, some people genuinely DO want to make connections and I think that is important. Secondly, I don't want to instill universal and unwarranted fear of the unknown into her. Should we be teaching our kids that all strangers are 'bad' just because one or two in her life may actually be? For me, the answer is no.

I think learning to trust your instincts is more important. I've rarely, if ever, been wrong when I get an uneasy feeling about a person. This is something we all have the ability to recognize. Some people make your hair stand on end, others you want to cross the street to avoid talking to, some people are fine to talk to but you question the validity of everything they say. We can all see these things. However, it took me many years to fully trust that instinct. Why? Because I grew up with a "don't trust strangers" mindset. Then, as I grew older, I realized that if I never trusted strangers, I would become a creepy unemployed and reclusive cat-lady who never made friends or had lovers and who would inevitably die alone. 

The truth is we NEED strangers in our lives. They help us learn and grow and without them we would be incredibly lonely. Not to mention the fact that we would never get jobs or go on dates or make new friends.

Reconciling these two truths became very hard when I was in my teens and early twenties because I never had to rely on my gut before. Strangers were bad... period. Upon the realization that strangers were actually very important, it became hard to decide which ones were trustworthy. I had completely lost touch with that basic social instinct that we are all born with. I had no bullshit detector. I didn't know when people were just using me. I found myself believing people when they said they were telling the truth, even if a tiny part of me knew they weren't. I was desperate to let people get close to me and I made quite a few poor decisions as a result. Then, I sort of went the other way...

TRUST NO ONE.

I spent the majority of my mid-twenties as a jaded and miserable person. I thought everyone had ulterior motives. I assumed that I would never find someone who genuinely loved me. It took me a very long time to let all of that anger and disappointment go. I often wonder how much heartache I could have avoided if I had a better grasp on how to judge people. Is it really just a matter of getting older and wiser?
I think that is part of it, of course. But I also believe that we are fundamentally set up for failure because we never learn how to socialize.

Almost everyone I know has similar childhoods. They had a select group of friends that didn't change until school, if it changed at all. For the most part, the only adults in their lives were relatives. I can't remember any significant childhood memory that involves someone outside of my family or my two friends growing up. Granted, I also grew up in the time of 'children are seen and now heard'. I'm sure this also played a part. The thing is, the memories I have of my family are mostly amazing ones. They were adults who interacted with me in a way that was different from my parents. I learned things, I grew, and these moments stuck with me. Imagine how many more I might have had if I had met more people?

So how do we bridge this gap between "don't talk to strangers" and "only talk to the right strangers"? For us, so far, it has been a matter of teaching Aura that "not everyone is friendly" for now. She is allowed to say hello to whoever she wants (as long as she is with me). If they don't want to talk to her, I redirect her and explain later. Sometimes even when she is initially well received, she gets too excited or tries to touch people which makes them uncomfortable. In those situations, I tell her to keep her hands to herself and if she can't calm down, I redirect her. She seems to be picking up social cues little by little and will often get the hint that someone doesn't want to interact. On more than one occasion, she has told me "That person isn't friendly" which I always think is hilarious and which I secretly hope will teach the other person a lesson.

As she gets older, and is in situations where I am not right next to her, we will have to elaborate and learn the difference between strangers who are safe and those who are not. This raises a whole new set of issues. Is the person with the uniform on always friendly? How about the person teaching children's activities at the park? Are they always safe? How can you be sure they work there?

In my opinion, the simple answer is; you can't ever be sure based on appearance. But this doesn't mean you should be afraid of strangers! This is where trusting your instincts will come in. We already talk about being able to judge moods, she knows when people are happy or sad and she's pretty good at spotting a faker! I'm hoping this will translate well into being able to tell if someone is honest. I also want to teach her to trust her gut. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't. She's not obligated to trust anyone except for me. She doesn't have to talk to someone if she's uncomfortable and she never, ever has to go anywhere with anyone. Ever. But that doesn't mean she has to stay in a bubble and be afraid. I don't want her to ever think that she has to be afraid of people. I don't want her to feel like she's not allowed to make new friends or to be outgoing.  Some people aren't friendly. That's their problem, not hers. Plenty of other people are.

Hey, look at me! I'm famous!

Guess who's the featured blogger over at Mommypage this month... if you guess me, you're right!
Go check it out:
http://www.mommypage.com/2013/02/angela-from-first-comes-baby-on-raising-her-daughter/

Dating, and Why I Suck at It, Pt. 2

Oh hey there, you may remember my original Dating and Why I Suck at It post from earlier this year. Well, things didn't work out with that guy, after all. No hard feelings, at all, he's a great guy. We were just two very different people and I think we both wanted different things. As far as breakups go, it was probably my easiest and least traumatic. Anyway, single Angela has a whole different set of issues.
Like last time, I totally understand if you're just here to see cute pictures of Aurora, here are a few to tide you over until my next family-related update. This is Aurora playing with water beads. She's obsessed. I actually bought them in bulk, so if you're in the market for some, I'm your girl.

Um... then this happened.

Hi there. I'm ridiculous.

Ok, still with me? Last chance, this is about to venture into rant territory.
So, I've been officially single again for a couple months now. I've been attempting to go out more often and reconnect with some people, but between mom life, school life and social life I'm starting to feel like three separate people lately. I'm not looking to dive into another relationship right away, I think I'm probably too busy to juggle one right now anyway. I would like to date more, though. For the first time in a LONG time, I'm totally 100% available, and not by choice. Usually, if I'm single it's on purpose, because I need to be and if I'm not, there's at least someone for me to spend time with, unofficially. I guess, what I'm trying to say is, I'm starting to feel a little lonely. During the day, I don't notice it because I have Aurora and tons of things to do. Nighttime is a different story, especially when I finish my schoolwork and my roommate is out or busy. I miss having someone around.
So anyway,  I've been trying to get back out there. Not looking for anything in particular, just seeing what's out there. The answer is: NObody. I think I forgot that this town is horrible for dating in. Everyone knows each other and everyone's business and I've already dated most of the people I've ever cared to. I also seemed to have forgotten that Single Angela is kind of an idiot. I have this bad habit of developing crushes on multiple people at the same time. I think I'm juggling like, six, at the moment. Ok, it's not really a bad thing, and they're mostly harmless. However, the bad part is, these crushes are almost without exception completely unavailable. For instance, at the moment two are in relationships, one married and one is... well, I don't know what that one is yet, but he's certainly not available. The others are pretty half-hearted and probably won't amount to much.
So, here's where I tell you another reason to add to the list of why Angela sucks at dating. Last night, I had a date. Well, I should have had a date. However... I didn't go and I told him we would have to reschedule (but I probably won't). Why, you ask? Because this guy doesn't drink and before the date I was stupid and decided to hang out at my favorite bar with one of my unavailable crushes.
I had a date.
I blew him off.
I.  AM.  AN.  IDIOT.
I didn't blow off the date to stay at the bar, at least I can feel good about that, I guess? I left with every intention of meeting up with this guy. But when I got halfway there I started re-evaluating things, mainly the fact that I had like 5 drinks and that's not the best first impression on a sober guy. Two, this guy is super sweet and very good looking... but I don't think there's much of a spark there. We don't really have very good conversations, I like to laugh, it's not too hard to make me laugh, and I don't think that's happened once with him. The last time I tried to make something like that work anyway, it didn't. I was having more fun at the bar and as the time to leave got closer, I realized that I wasn't looking forward to the date at all. Maybe it was just crush-proximity, but that's probably a bad sign, right? At the same time, should I really be passing up dates with nice, handsome men when I just clearly stated a few paragraphs ago that I've been feeling lonely?
See? Single Angela is a mess.
Please help.

Aurora has wormed her way into my schoolwork!

I got my first writing assignments back from school last week. Both with a grade of 100! The first was pretty short and boring but the other was about none other than myself and my little bean. The assignment was a 'personal reflection' essay. We were supposed to talk about a significant point in our lives and the result. my subject choice was pretty obvious haha. Its not perfect (despite the perfect grade... it's a low level class) but I thought it was worth sharing. Pardon the super formal speech, it's the exact essay I submitted and I didn't feel like editing it down for the blog. I mostly just wanted to put it here so I can keep track of it and look back at it later. Here it is, feel free to tell me what you think!

Born To Be a Mama: How Parenting Has Made Me a Better Person

To say that my daughter was unplanned would be putting it mildly. She was a complete and total surprise! She was also, undoubtedly, the best thing that ever happened to me. I know this statement may seem like the ultimate cliché, but it is the truth. My life was forever changed the minute I saw that little pink plus sign. Becoming Aurora's mother has undeniably made me a better person.

So, where to start?

I had an ill-advised fling with an old friend and, as it turns out, we were completely incompatible. We called it quits after about a month. Two weeks later, I discovered I was pregnant. I told the father and my two closest friends but I kept it from everyone else for a long time. I tend to be a pretty private person and I just was not ready for all the inevitable questions.

Finally at about seven months, my pregnancy was becoming a little obvious. I started to feel like everyone could tell I was pregnant just by looking at me. I planned to work until the last possible minute, but I had to tell my boss that I would be needing a few months off after the baby came. Though I had been apprehensive about telling him, it was a shockingly easy conversation.

After I had told my co-workers, I knew I had to come clean to all my friends. This was the first of many events that would forever change my self-image. They were thrilled. I was met with nothing but encouragement and told by numerous people what a good mother I would be. I was shocked, amazed and so very grateful to have such support.

Now, before I had gotten pregnant I was a bit reckless. I was a bartender by trade, working night shifts in bars with bad reputations. I smoked like a chimney. I was a night owl who enjoyed drinking which led to more than my fair share of bad decisions. I must admit was also a little selfish. My relationships were always temporary and I entered into them even if I knew the person was not right for me. Basically, I was a mess.

The metamorphosis came about pretty quickly. There were some major overhauls; I stopped smoking and drinking, cold turkey. I did not go out at night anymore and I cut back on shifts at the bar. Some changes were more subtle. I had never saved money before unless it was to buy something. Once I knew I had another person to think about, that was one of the first things to change. I needed to be prepared, I needed to safe guard the future of my child. I went to a doctor for the first time in 12 years to be sure I was healthy and I bought life insurance. Suddenly, being selfish was no longer an option. Everything I did was to get ready for her.

I had some apprehension about motherhood, it seemed like such a huge undertaking, but I should not have worried. The minute they put Aurora in my arms, everything seemed to come naturally. We had some hiccups, do not get me wrong. I will not sugarcoat it and tell you that every moment was perfect. In truth, it's the hardest job I've ever had. The payoff, however, is immeasurable.

Aside from the obvious life changes, there were emotional, and even social, shifts that came with parenting. Those are a little harder to explain, but I will try. For instance, I was a very closed off person before I gave birth. I would rarely do silly things, I would never ask for help or show someone how I was feeling. I did not want to share anything. Boy, did that change! It did not take very long before I was smooching my little one on buses and pulling faces at her in public. I was suddenly able to admit to my best friend that I needed help for the first time. Perhaps more importantly though, I was able to admit that I loved someone with every fiber of my being and without reserve. This was the ultimate 'first' for me and it has changed me for the better. It's amazing what that sort of love can do for a person. I truly believe it has made me more conscientious and kinder to others, not to mention happy.
Most of all, I am happy.

The best part was probably my instructor's comments:

What a wonderful tribute to your daughter this essay is, Angela!
This essay represents a job well done. You’ve told your readers just the kind of story required by this assignment, and have explained effectively how this experience helped to change you in a positive way. 
The essay is written in first person and for a general reader, just as it should be. It is also free of significant mechanical errors and formatted according to MLA guidelines. 
Please continue this high standard of work on future assignments, and let me know if you have any questions or concerns about doing so. 
All the Best, 
Prof. Yezbick

Dating and why I suck at it.

This is going to be a little bit of a departure from standard FCB entries. However, since I've pretty much abandoned my other blogs in favor of this one it has nowhere else to go. Feel free to skip over it if you are here for the adorable pictures of my baby. I'll understand completely.
Here I'll even give you not one but two adorable pictures of her eating her first PB&J to look at before you go:

Ok, now that that's out of the way, I'll warn you this is probably going to be extremely long... you can still back out now. No hard feelings.
It's no secret that I'm a single mama and I've apparently started dating again so I guess maybe this post isn't too out of place. I say 'apparently' because I'm still not quite sure how it happened. I had no plans or aspirations to meet anyone, but I did. Anyway, after about two years of being single I've been suddenly and violently reminded that I'm no good at dating. I'm pretty sure I've never been good at it, and by that I mean I've never done it the 'right' way. I was attempting to put this into words for the guy I've been on a few dates with and halfway through I realized it was a much bigger story than I thought when I started. I managed to condense it enough to (hopefully) not come across as a crazy person who says too much too soon. However, once I started down that path of thought I knew I had to get the whole thing out or risk thinking about it constantly. I've touched on the subject of dating before but here's the whole gruesome story, if I don't write it now I'll just bottle it up indefinitely again and I'm tired of doing that.
What it boils down to is that I don't really date. Not in the traditional sense. I've 'gotten together', 'met up' and 'hung out' but my actual "date" count is shockingly low and mostly consisting of people who I was already in a relationship with. How does that happen you ask? Simple. I've met most of my significant others in bars or clubs that I've either worked at or frequented. It's very easy to just keep meeting up with someone in a very unofficial sense and have it turn into something more serious. I've had the 'So what are we doing?' conversation more times than I care to admit. One day I look at the person I've been with for awhile and it dawns on me that we've never been on a real date, so we go on one. It's never really been an issue even if deep down I would've liked things to be a little more traditional. It's strange to think of myself as old fashioned but then realize that maybe my actions don't coincide with that. I've also gotten myself into many casual relationships that weren't casual to me. Once I like someone, that's it. I stop looking. Unfortunately for me, not everyone else shares my values. As a matter of fact, my personal history indicates the exact opposite or maybe I just attract very fickle people.
I have a million theories about why my dating history is so lackluster. They range from 'people suck' all the way to 'I'm not good enough' with every stop in between. It wasn't always that way.
I wasn't very popular with boys in school. I was overweight and dressed like a boy. No one was falling over themselves to be my boyfriend and that made me bitter so I didn't go out of my way to change things. I had two of those high school hold-hands-in-the-hallway-between-classes 'relationships' that lasted about two weeks each and that was it.  My dates to dances were always friends. I had plenty of those but I was pretty lonely. Then came the first guy I really liked. It was a trainwreck and it set me up for failure for years after. You see, he was in love with someone else. Did that stop him from leading me on and telling me how great I was and even, on several occasions telling me he was going to be with me when things ended with his girlfriend... no, of course not. Since my self esteem was non-existent I went along with it. They broke up once, for a few days and he came to me. Just long enough for us to make out a few times and for him to tell me he loved me and destroy my whole world. When he got back with his girlfriend it was the first time I felt my heart break but I tried to pretend it was okay because I didn't want him to stop spending time with me. This dragged out a bit longer. We all moved in together, they broke up, we came close to sleeping together (thank god we didn't) and I told him I loved him too. He got back together with the girlfriend again (surprise!) and told her what I said. She hated me for it, he chose her over me, as usual and eventually everything fell apart. I feel like most of my relationships have been some variation of that original mess...
There are a few notable exceptions. For instance, when I was 18 I went on a real first date with a boy who I was really into. He showed up with a rose for me and we walked all over the city for hours. Before he left I kissed him on the cheek. It was perfect. We spent a ton of time together after that. He always brought flowers (my mom LOVED him for that, I never had the heart to tell her it was because he worked at a flower shop) we slept next to each other a few times but never actually slept together. I don't even think we really made out ever. It was innocent and amazing. I'm pretty sure I loved him... and then my mom died. I shut off completely and pretty much stopped talking to him. My excuse at the time was that I had too much going on, but I think that, despite his willingness, I didn't want him to see with how broken I was and have to deal with that. It's crap and false self-preservation and I know that now. I convinced myself that I had to put on a brave face and I kept it on for years.
This is how you end up in superficial relationships that never work, for the record. I got close to people but had no way of letting them know how I felt. My first relationship after my mother died lasted four years. We lived together. Yet, somehow we never admitted to ourselves or anyone else that we were a couple. We were young and our lives were falling apart when we met each other. We were doomed from the start. I knew that and I held him at a distance because of it. I never told him how I really felt until it was way too late and the damage was already done. We had a night years later where we got everything out and it was healing and cathartic but my unwillingness to open up during those years is still one of my only regrets. He ended up with other girls (including one of my friends) towards the end and I resented him for it, yet I still wouldn't tell him why. I was in head over heels in love with him and scared out of my mind by that fact. It was obvious to everyone but me. If you ever need denial lessons, I'm your girl.
It is not the last time that one of my relationships never got off the ground because I'm too closed off... Not even close. I want to blame that first debacle for my inability to admit my feelings for someone, or any feelings at all for the most part, but it probably goes deeper than that. I'm sure my father isn't completely blameless. For the longest time the only way I could say something that really mattered was by writing it down. This is how I've come to be a blogger since the internet was readily available. Before that it was notebooks and poetry readings. Anything to avoid admitting that I was human, that I had feelings, or god forbid, that I made mistakes sometimes. It's somehow much easier for me to send all of those things into the universe rather than direct them towards the person who needs to know. I've spent the majority of my life scared that if someone saw me vulnerable they wouldn't like me as much. The thing is... I'm not that girl anymore. I haven't been in a long time. Still, it's hard to shake the duck and cover instinct that comes with so many spectacular failures. I'm infinitely better at being open than I was before. I've worked very hard to tell people when something is wrong and to ask for help even before Aurora was born and it's been much easier since she came along. I think being so exposed and vulnerable having a baby and falling in love with her instantly and undeniably opened my eyes a bit, but there's still a learning curve.
I wasn't sure I was ready to date again, in fact I was pretty positive that I wouldn't be for a long time. Meeting someone who I actually like and connect with was very unexpected (and yes, I've actually told him that). But before I even agreed to one date I promised myself that this time I would do it right, from the beginning, even if it meant scaring him away at least I'd know I was true to myself. I deserve an honest, working relationship and I'll settle for nothing less, especially now that there's a little bean in the picture who depends on my sanity. The results so far have been a little shaky. But this is still very new and he hasn't run for the hills yet so I have high hopes...
Anyway, that's enough from me tonight.
If you've somehow made it this far, I appreciate it. It's nice to know that my outlet is still here when I need it, even if it's in a new form. Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

Aurora's ONE YEAR checkup!

On Thursday we went in for Aura's one year doctors appointment...

 Oddly enough this was what finally drove this gigantic milestone home.  

Aurora's pediatrician is in the same hospital complex as my OB/GYN 

(and our dentist... convenient!) 

We walked down the same corridor that I walked down while I was pregnant about a bazillion times. 

The same hallway that I walked down with her three days after she got home, and then weekly for a month, and then monthly and then every three months. Ten pediatrician appointments over the last year.  

A.  WHOLE.  YEAR.

Where on earth did all that time go?

I barely noticed. 

Well, more accurately I was too busy taking in every little thing 

to really stop and think about the breadth of passing time.

I spent our days measuring in increments.

A blink here.

A smile there.

Rolling over.

Crawling.

"Mama"s and "bot-bot"s.

Toys and laughs.

First teeth.

First steps.

365 days passed in a flash.

I was too busy noticing moments to notice the months.

Hi. Remember me?

Anyway... I digress (As usual.)

Our appointment went really well.

Aside from the FOUR shots!

She wasn't too pleased about those but, as usual, she recovered quickly. 

This picture isn't actually from after the shots... 

she needed some serious snuggles for that. 

This is just some teething crankiness, she's got SIX teeth in varying stages coming in all at once, sometimes she gets a little bummed. I will say that I was prepared for it to be much worse. I've heard some teething horror stories but aside from being a little clingy and the occasional crying spurt, she's been a trooper. Just looking at those big teeth in her tiny mouth makes my gums hurt. I'd be a raging bitch if it were me. 

She also had some blood work at this appointment which was far more terrifying for me than it was for her. She couldn't have cared less, too busy playing with the nurses name tag to pay attention. 

I was terrified of needles my whole life ...but not my brave little bean. 

My mommy report card was straight A's! Everything looks great and her growth is perfect.

She's big healthy bean sprout at 29.6 inches and 21.4 pounds!

As usual she was a hit with all of the nurses and got a brand new book to read and tons of stickers. 

Now we get another three month break, and the best news is:

 NO shots at her next appointment! 

*MY* weekend: Attended an awesome wedding, saw great friends!!

I know that my weekend posts have always been all about adventures with my little bean but this weekend was a bit different. For the first time since she was born almost nine months ago, I made plans and left Aurora with my roommate/bestie during daylight hours! I DJ at a local bar once a month and I've gone out about three times, but by the time I leave the house Aura is in bed for the night so this was quite a departure for me. Leaving when I knew she was still awake and could notice I was gone is probably the most daunting thing that I knew I'd eventually have to get over. I've gotten very used to the idea of always being within earshot and being able to scoop her up if she needs me. Going out of town completely eliminated any possibility of even being able to get to her if something went wrong. BUT a great pair of friends were tying the knot so I couldn't use my normal 'I don't like to leave the baby' lame-o excuse.

Black 'shatter' polish over gold

Soooo... I got all dressed up and headed out with an old friend for the evening. It's been awhile since I had an excuse to paint my nails fancy and break out  the high heels (never mind how long it's been since I could fit in them!) Somehow I even managed to sneak in some extra cuddle time, get everything together and get ready on time!

Aurora likes fancy shoes too!

The service was really nice and not too formal, dinner was good and the place they picked was perfect.

The happy couple!

One of the best parts for me, aside form the obvious, was that I remembered what it's like to have a social life! The person I went with has no children and doesn't see Aura or I very often so we actually talked about non-baby related things. This was a welcome and refreshing change, I didn't even mind that we got lost and it took forever to get there! Some of my oldest and best friends were at this wedding too and it was great to just sit and have a few cocktails. It's pretty rare that I get to have a conversation these days and be fully present. Usually when I see people I'm either working or trying to keep one eye on a mischievous octopus baby with her hands (and mouth) on and in everything. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mama and all of the changes involved more than I ever expected I would or even thought I could. Sometimes though it's easy to feel like I've lost a little of my old self... this weekend I found out she's still there.
The best part? Aurora was a prefect little angel, went to bed with no problems and didn't even seemed phased that I left. That last part is actually a little heartbreaking, but makes me super proud at the same time. So everything went well and I had a great time. Who knows, maybe I'll even go out again some day!
Hope everyone else enjoyed their weekends!

New to First Comes Baby?

A few quick things... first of all, nice to meet you!! This is my first sincere attempt at blogging in about 8 years or so. I used to be quite the LiveJournal addict and had a pretty solid following and made some great friends. I'm so glad I have all of those memories in print and some of those friendships are still going strong to this day. It's strange to look back at your life or your writing in particular and see how far you've evolved as a person. Some of the things that meant the world to me then are just foggy memories today and events that seemed devastating to the 18yr old me would just roll off 31yr old me's shoulders. I thought briefly about paying to change the name of my old blog (name change was definitely a MUST!) and just picking up where I left off but I guess life ran away with me and I've definitely outgrown it. So on to this new chapter (and blog) of my life and new friendships that will hopefully be going strong years from now.
I actually started this blog about a year ago when I discovered I was pregnant with my perfect little peanut but insecurity about this huge blogger community kept me from going live with it until a couple months ago. But I'm so glad I did!
It seems that my commitment to diving headfirst into this mommyblogging community has started to pay off! In just the last three days I not only went from a meager 5 followers to more than 20 but I'm also in the top 50 over at TopBabyBlogs! This has already led me to a small ongoing freelance gig that I can add to my growing list of stay at home work that I can do to support me and the bean. I really couldn't be happier about the support I've gotten so far, not to mention the amazing comments! I mean, I know my kid is cute... but it's always good to hear that other people agree!
Anyway, thanks for following and helping me feel comfortable with this new endeavor!! I look forward to reading your blogs and getting to know each of you!
<3
~Angela

**UPDATE- I've decided to set this up as a welcome page of sorts for people who are new to my blog.
So... welcome!
Here's a few links so you can catch up if you'd like!
About me.
About the name.
My views on 'The great mommy wars'.

Prenatal care and a happier return to hospitals...

Took a tour of the hospital tonight, just waiting for the bus which isn't for another half hour. It's weird, all this time spent in hospitals, it's like I'm 17 again visiting my mother. They say old habits die hard but I think they just sleep... waiting for you to need them again. The sterile lights, antiseptic smell, crappy dollar coffee in a paper cup, stale vending machine snacks. Everything always seems out of time in places like this. Everything moves incredibly slow or far too fast. Comforting and stressful at the same time. Waiting and watching and passing time. I caught myself sitting here, reading useless pamphlets and long since expired magazines while drinking my tepid watered down coffee and couldn't help but think how funny it is that you can so easily settle into a familiar long lost rhythm you thought you'd forgotten. I spent months of my life in and out of places like this watching my mother die, it's sadly ironic that the very next time I'd be here is because I'm bringing a new life into the world.