Aurora has wormed her way into my schoolwork!

I got my first writing assignments back from school last week. Both with a grade of 100! The first was pretty short and boring but the other was about none other than myself and my little bean. The assignment was a 'personal reflection' essay. We were supposed to talk about a significant point in our lives and the result. my subject choice was pretty obvious haha. Its not perfect (despite the perfect grade... it's a low level class) but I thought it was worth sharing. Pardon the super formal speech, it's the exact essay I submitted and I didn't feel like editing it down for the blog. I mostly just wanted to put it here so I can keep track of it and look back at it later. Here it is, feel free to tell me what you think!

Born To Be a Mama: How Parenting Has Made Me a Better Person

To say that my daughter was unplanned would be putting it mildly. She was a complete and total surprise! She was also, undoubtedly, the best thing that ever happened to me. I know this statement may seem like the ultimate cliché, but it is the truth. My life was forever changed the minute I saw that little pink plus sign. Becoming Aurora's mother has undeniably made me a better person.

So, where to start?

I had an ill-advised fling with an old friend and, as it turns out, we were completely incompatible. We called it quits after about a month. Two weeks later, I discovered I was pregnant. I told the father and my two closest friends but I kept it from everyone else for a long time. I tend to be a pretty private person and I just was not ready for all the inevitable questions.

Finally at about seven months, my pregnancy was becoming a little obvious. I started to feel like everyone could tell I was pregnant just by looking at me. I planned to work until the last possible minute, but I had to tell my boss that I would be needing a few months off after the baby came. Though I had been apprehensive about telling him, it was a shockingly easy conversation.

After I had told my co-workers, I knew I had to come clean to all my friends. This was the first of many events that would forever change my self-image. They were thrilled. I was met with nothing but encouragement and told by numerous people what a good mother I would be. I was shocked, amazed and so very grateful to have such support.

Now, before I had gotten pregnant I was a bit reckless. I was a bartender by trade, working night shifts in bars with bad reputations. I smoked like a chimney. I was a night owl who enjoyed drinking which led to more than my fair share of bad decisions. I must admit was also a little selfish. My relationships were always temporary and I entered into them even if I knew the person was not right for me. Basically, I was a mess.

The metamorphosis came about pretty quickly. There were some major overhauls; I stopped smoking and drinking, cold turkey. I did not go out at night anymore and I cut back on shifts at the bar. Some changes were more subtle. I had never saved money before unless it was to buy something. Once I knew I had another person to think about, that was one of the first things to change. I needed to be prepared, I needed to safe guard the future of my child. I went to a doctor for the first time in 12 years to be sure I was healthy and I bought life insurance. Suddenly, being selfish was no longer an option. Everything I did was to get ready for her.

I had some apprehension about motherhood, it seemed like such a huge undertaking, but I should not have worried. The minute they put Aurora in my arms, everything seemed to come naturally. We had some hiccups, do not get me wrong. I will not sugarcoat it and tell you that every moment was perfect. In truth, it's the hardest job I've ever had. The payoff, however, is immeasurable.

Aside from the obvious life changes, there were emotional, and even social, shifts that came with parenting. Those are a little harder to explain, but I will try. For instance, I was a very closed off person before I gave birth. I would rarely do silly things, I would never ask for help or show someone how I was feeling. I did not want to share anything. Boy, did that change! It did not take very long before I was smooching my little one on buses and pulling faces at her in public. I was suddenly able to admit to my best friend that I needed help for the first time. Perhaps more importantly though, I was able to admit that I loved someone with every fiber of my being and without reserve. This was the ultimate 'first' for me and it has changed me for the better. It's amazing what that sort of love can do for a person. I truly believe it has made me more conscientious and kinder to others, not to mention happy.
Most of all, I am happy.

The best part was probably my instructor's comments:

What a wonderful tribute to your daughter this essay is, Angela!
This essay represents a job well done. You’ve told your readers just the kind of story required by this assignment, and have explained effectively how this experience helped to change you in a positive way. 
The essay is written in first person and for a general reader, just as it should be. It is also free of significant mechanical errors and formatted according to MLA guidelines. 
Please continue this high standard of work on future assignments, and let me know if you have any questions or concerns about doing so. 
All the Best, 
Prof. Yezbick

How I announced my pregnancy to the world!

I was feeling a little nostalgic today after taking down my MySpace and saving the blog from there to my hard drive before I (eventually) delete my profile all together. SO I started going backwards on Facebook and looking at all the crazy things that have been documented over the past couple of years. My most memorable post? Well, telling my extended friend-family about the baby was a bit of a dilemma. I kept it a secret from everyone for a very long time. I am a private person anyway and I wasn't looking forward to all the attention. But I guess it was more than that too. How do you announce pregnancy to the world when you are connected to so many people at once on the internet? How do you tell friends you haven't seen in years that you are having a baby? Even better, how do you tell friends you saw a week ago that you've had a bun in the oven for MONTHS?
Well... I went the obvious/humor route, via Facebook status update:

Angela is having a baby... No, I'm not kidding, sorry I didn't tell you, most people didn't know until recently. Other answers: girl, Nov 28th, no definite name yet, yes I have ideas, no I won't tell you, a friend, maybe?, I've never done anything else the conventional way, yes, no I don't miss drinking much, yes, sushi, red, playing Wii, not on your life, red pandas, all of them, mint chocolate chip, and I can't remember. 


So what about you other mamas?
How did you announce your pregnancy to the world?

Prenatal care and a happier return to hospitals...

Took a tour of the hospital tonight, just waiting for the bus which isn't for another half hour. It's weird, all this time spent in hospitals, it's like I'm 17 again visiting my mother. They say old habits die hard but I think they just sleep... waiting for you to need them again. The sterile lights, antiseptic smell, crappy dollar coffee in a paper cup, stale vending machine snacks. Everything always seems out of time in places like this. Everything moves incredibly slow or far too fast. Comforting and stressful at the same time. Waiting and watching and passing time. I caught myself sitting here, reading useless pamphlets and long since expired magazines while drinking my tepid watered down coffee and couldn't help but think how funny it is that you can so easily settle into a familiar long lost rhythm you thought you'd forgotten. I spent months of my life in and out of places like this watching my mother die, it's sadly ironic that the very next time I'd be here is because I'm bringing a new life into the world.

I'm not a mom...

Yet.
But last week a bright pink plus sign and then a letter from Planned Parenthood confirmed what part of me has known for over a month... that I'm about to be.

If you're looking for the typical mushy and sentimental mommy blog you may want to stop reading now. I assure you this probably won't be it...

This isn't an outlet for me to gush my excitement about bringing a life into the world.

This isn't my chronicle of the miracle of childbirth or the ins and outs of pregnancy.

This isn't even an ode to my future offspring.

It's not to say that these feelings don't exist or that I don't have specific things that I will want my baby to know about when he or she is older but those things are strictly reserved for the recipient in the form of a journal/scrapbook specifically for him/her to have when the time is right. Something tangible, something that can be held and carried, not cold words glowing on a computer screen.

This is mostly just for me... and maybe you, if you're still there.

I've already said that this is not going to be a typical baby blog. There's many reasons for this but the most obvious is that I'm not your typical 'mom blogger'...
I am not married.
There's no 'special someone'.
I'm not young and hip and I'm not giving up my formerly glamorous life to start the family I've always wanted.
I am just an average 30 year old woman who one day was faced with a choice that was never really a choice.
I'm also not one to sugar coat things to make them more digestible but I figure if other moms can pepper their blogs with descriptions of medical procedures and bodily fluids, I think I can get away with a little honesty and maybe a few f-bombs. We'll see how things go....