Saturday, October 9, 2010

Prenatal care and a happier return to hospitals...

Took a tour of the hospital tonight, just waiting for the bus which isn't for another half hour. It's weird, all this time spent in hospitals, it's like I'm 17 again visiting my mother. They say old habits die hard but I think they just sleep... waiting for you to need them again. The sterile lights, antiseptic smell, crappy dollar coffee in a paper cup, stale vending machine snacks. Everything always seems out of time in places like this. Everything moves incredibly slow or far too fast. Comforting and stressful at the same time. Waiting and watching and passing time. I caught myself sitting here, reading useless pamphlets and long since expired magazines while drinking my tepid watered down coffee and couldn't help but think how funny it is that you can so easily settle into a familiar long lost rhythm you thought you'd forgotten. I spent months of my life in and out of places like this watching my mother die, it's sadly ironic that the very next time I'd be here is because I'm bringing a new life into the world.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Me Circa 2004

From my LiveJournal... weird how some things don't change at all! I guess I've always known who I was. This is comforting.

Just for the record:

- I am frequently inspired, but lack focus sometimes.

- I am quick to voice my opinion, and I have LOTS of them.

- I like yoga enough to consider teaching it.

- I also like Nag Champa incense... neither of these things mean that I am a hippie and/or that I smoke tons of pot. As a matter of fact if you read my profile and see 'Nag Champa' then message me and ask me to smoke a 'J.' with you (it's happened) I will find out where you live, go there and sucker punch you just for asking.

- I have too many answers to the "What do you want to do for a living?" question. I can't decide on just one, therefore I haven't yet. I am also afraid that I will pick wrong in the end.

- I grew up my whole life wanting to be an artist. Then I realised a 'career' in art meant people would expect me to produce art in a predictable and timely manner. I can do timely but I hate being predictable... so that was out.

- I like to read. I like to talk about reading. If I ask you about a book you've read and your reply is 'It was good.' or 'I liked it.' I may consider hating you for it. If you can't figure out why, I hate you already.

- I wander all the time. Literally and figuratively.

- I am in love with sound. Music makes my life worthwhile even when nothing else does. There are few things that I wholeheartedly enjoy more than listening or singing loudly or dancing. I sometimes do nothing but listen to music, in a dark room, by myself. Maybe this sounds wierd, maybe it is.

- I have many points to make. Some people find this annoying, others think it's hilarious. I don't really care either way, I'm still going to make them.

- I remember everything even things that I don't care to. I am a blackhole of useless knowledge. I'd be on a game show but I would make way more money eating worms on Fear Factor than on a show where I had to be smart and/or know trivia. That makes me more than a little sad, it also says something about our country.

- I photograph small. Sorry about that. I am actually a pretty tall lady. You might think I look little in pictures and then you'll meet me and know I could beat you in a fight. I apologize in advance if this is intimidating. I can't help it. We can still hang out, I swear.

- I have a mouth that would make your mother blush.

- I am only proud of this 12% of the time. 23% of the time I wonder if people would like me more if I were to tone it down a little. 65% of the time I couldn't care less one way or the other.

- That's right I said "couldN'T care less" not "COULD care less" because that would prove the opposite point. I hate grammatical errors. If you make one in front of me I will probably point out your mistake. If you don't like it feel free to roll your eyes or call me a know-it-all, it won't be the first or last time.

- On a similar note: I will embrace your imperfections. I will, however, be occasionally compelled to point them out to you. Don't take offense, I wouldn't bother if I didn't care about you.

- I am longwinded (as you can see) and I love to talk to people. If you send me a one line message you will most likely get a full page in return. I'm online too much so more than likely I'll reply really quickly. If you don't get the big messages or the quick replies it might mean I hate you. So either stop trying or ask me about it, I promise I'll tell you the truth even if you don't want to hear it.

- Yeah, that last thing about "telling the truth even when no one wants to hear it". I definitely do that more than I should.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

25 Random Facts about me circa 2009.

So this was one of those silly Facebook survey-type things. The rules were simple. 25 random facts about yourself. I stumbled upon it today while looking for something else and it's still pretty relevant... I guess that's a sign that I've finally grown up?
Also... I think it's funny that one year after writing #17 I was pregnant.

1. I sometimes notice that I feel the constant need to make sure my written word is understood in the same way as if I spoke it... like inserting pauses... or using capital letters or italics and bold type to emphasize words. I don't think other people do it nearly as much as I do, but I can't help it... I wonder if it's because I've relied on getting my thoughts across through type for so long because I was too afraid to say things out loud.

2. I have visited or at least stopped in over 25 states... but I've never flown because I am afraid to go on an airplane.

3. On the same note... I used to counterfeit Greyhound bus passes and travel all over. There wasn't much rhyme or reason to it aside from self induced homelessness and a constant need to 'escape' something. For a year I moved every month or two and then once a year after that until recently. I still feel the need to escape sometimes but I've tried to limit myself to actual vacations now that I've decided to stay in Providence.

4. When I was younger I couldn't imagine someone thinking I was attractive. I didn't turn out so bad... Now that I get compliments pretty often, I still find them a little hard to trust.

5. My mother died when I was 17. It changed my life completely and taught me not to take things for granted and to appreciate things that happen and the way those things affect and change you... even when it hurts. It showed me how selfish I was. My only regret in life is not telling her how much I loved her... or maybe being too wrapped up in myself to know until it was too late.

6. When I lived in Florida I was helping to teach a yoga class... I thought that it was what I wanted to do with my life. However the expense and time it would take to get certified as an actual teacher rather than just an instructor was too demanding and I wasn't willing to settle if I couldn't go all the way with it... Once I came home I almost stopped doing yoga altogether even though I really loved it. Hopefully I can get over myself enough to continue practicing even if I can't teach.

7. I collect all media. Almost obsessively. Books and music mostly but my DVD collection is starting to get out of hand and my coffee table is currently overrun with magazines. I also have an unnecessary amount of video games... still.

8. I grew up in New England and have lived here most of my life... but I get sick every time the seasons change and I can't get used to cold weather.

9. I grew up very heavy. My whole family was huge and I thought I would be that way forever. At one point around age 20 I was content with my size... then I got depressed and gained a lot more weight. When I moved to Florida I dropped down to the smallest I'd ever been, people said I looked great. When I looked in the mirror I was smaller but still the same shape and I felt like I looked wrong. I wasn't as happy with myself as I was when I was bigger. Now I'm just happy with being healthy and my body is mine whatever size it happens to be... I will never be super skinny and I'm over it.... but I will also never let myself go again.

10. I work multiple jobs... I have done that most of my life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be content with the money I made from one without wondering what I could do to make more. The amount of money never seems to matter. I've been broke and I do well now... I'm content either way as long as I know I'm working as much as I can.

11. I used to make art and work with my hands all the time. Then I lost my portfolio that had all my work since high school in it... somehow without the proof that I had been an artist once, I convinced myself that I wasn't anymore.

12. I am in love with my city... wholeheartedly. I kept trying to move away and kept coming back. I'm so glad that I did. I honestly wouldn't want to live anywhere else.

13. I took my first actual vacation this past summer... I didn't go somewhere to visit someone, or go somewhere and live there for a few months. I went just to go and get away. It was only Newport... but it was four days by myself in a nice hotel and it was one of the best ideas I've had in awhile.

Amazing swing&sunset in Newport, RI 6/3/2008
14. I have three tattoos. Everyone seems to think I'd have more but the truth is one of them I regret, I'm tired of people asking about the one on my neck... and well, I'm a wuss and they hurt. Piercings are a different story, though people seem to think I'd have more of those too.

15.I swear like a sailor. I can't help it... luckily I work in a bar and hang out with guys and girls who are just as potty mouthed as I am... but don't worry, I'll be an angel in front of your mom.

16. Also... I can drink you under the table. Go ahead... prove me wrong.

17. I've been saying I'd never have kids my whole life... sometime early last year it became 'probably not'...

18. I had no contact with my younger brother and sister for almost 8 years after my mom died... now that we can get in touch it seems so awkward that I find myself avoiding it.

19. I haven't had a car in years... and haven't purchased one ever.

20. I read all the time. I love other people who read... I am always looking for suggestions and I'm always willing to give them. However if I ask you how a book was (or even a movie) and your answer is "good" I will never discuss them with you again. If you don't understand why then I don't want to talk to you at all.

21. I'm not a huge fan of pizza... honestly. But every now and again it's all I want and I never wait for it to cool so I always burn the roof of my mouth... but in a weird way that's the best part of eating pizza for me.

22. I want to learn about everything. Anything that catches my attention I want to know more about. This applies to ideas, people, activities, games, philosophy, history, how to do or build or fix things... everything. Because of this I spread myself a little thin. I know quite a bit about most things... but I doubt I know everything about anything... does that make sense?

23. My parents never forced me into any religion, they were both brought up under extremely religious circumstances and were good enough to let me decide for myself... because of that I read everything I could get my hands on and probably ended up more informed... and I decided on none. Not to practice anyway... but Buddhism makes the most sense to me by far.

24. I've been single for so long I'm worried that I've forgotten how to be with someone. It was very much my decision to be single... but sometimes I worry that it was a mistake or that I took it too far. Even though I am happy for the most part.

25. I am an idiot when it comes to talking about things that hurt me or that are uncomfortable... but give me any other topic and I can keep a room full of people listening to me for hours.

I am pretty longwinded... as you can tell.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

"Dating" the Daddy

I'd known my baby's father for years. I'm pretty sure he always had a crush on me but for the first few years when we were actually hanging out the feeling was never mutual. There were a few awkward advances and I tried to feign ignorance and eventually he got the hint and it stopped coming up. Years passed... I had dated my fair share (and probably yours) of assholes and guys who would never appreciate me or treat me the way I felt I deserved. Problem was (is) I LOVE assholes. I'm far more attracted to men who will inevitably disappoint or reject me. It's a curse. A couple years ago I decided I was going to rebel against my own nature and start dating 'nice guys'. The first few attempts failed (#1- I realised I wasn't physically attracted to him, freaked out because he was getting to close and broke his heart, #2- was still in love with his ex, lost cause, #3- Had an ex wife (no big deal) and a kid (no big deal) and was a Scientologist (big fucking deal) things inevitably went downhill quick #4- was very sweet but damaged and pulled away due to depression/freakout/general craziness) then came "Noel" - "Nice Guy" #5. Well, as it turns out the Nice Guys are just as fucked up and crazy as the Assholes.
I still can't tell you exactly why since it came about as I was actually trying to set him up with someone else, but for some reason or another I broke down and gave "Noel" a shot after all those years. Things started out okay, pretty fun even... I'll admit that occasionally I looked at him and wondered what the hell I was thinking, but I reminded myself that he was a Nice Guy. I had known him forever and we got along really well and after all, what good did all those pretty boys do me in the long run right? I could do this. I could really like this guy... and I did... I think. In retrospect, the desire to extend things past an occasional post-bar bang may have been strictly hormonal. Anyway, it only lasted a few weeks. I never fully got rid of the nagging somethings-not-right feeling and turns out, it wasn't right at all. We started seeing less and less of each other and finally he told me we needed to 'talk'. I thought it would be an opportunity to discuss the odds of things continuing much longer (slim) and if it would be better to just walk away as friends (definitely). HOWEVER when he arrived at my workplace for our 'talk' he informed me that he had been pursuing someone else and hadn't had the balls to tell me about her... then got a mysterious text from a 'friend who needed help' (her) and had to leave but we'd talk soon (we never did). A month later, after mysteriously not wanting either cigarettes or alcohol anymore and being tired and moody for 'no reason' I found myself holding a little stick with a pink plus sign on it. More on this later....

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I'm not a mom...

But last week a bright pink plus sign and then a letter from Planned Parenthood confirmed what part of me has known for over a month... that I'm about to be.

If you're looking for the typical mushy and sentimental mommy blog you may want to stop reading now. I assure you this probably won't be it...

This isn't an outlet for me to gush my excitement about bringing a life into the world.

This isn't my chronicle of the miracle of childbirth or the ins and outs of pregnancy.

This isn't even an ode to my future offspring.

It's not to say that these feelings don't exist or that I don't have specific things that I will want my baby to know about when he or she is older but those things are strictly reserved for the recipient in the form of a journal/scrapbook specifically for him/her to have when the time is right. Something tangible, something that can be held and carried, not cold words glowing on a computer screen.

This is mostly just for me... and maybe you, if you're still there.

I've already said that this is not going to be a typical baby blog. There's many reasons for this but the most obvious is that I'm not your typical 'mom blogger'...
I am not married.
There's no 'special someone'.
I'm not young and hip and I'm not giving up my formerly glamorous life to start the family I've always wanted.
I am just an average 30 year old woman who one day was faced with a choice that was never really a choice.
I'm also not one to sugar coat things to make them more digestible but I figure if other moms can pepper their blogs with descriptions of medical procedures and bodily fluids, I think I can get away with a little honesty and maybe a few f-bombs. We'll see how things go....
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