Saturday, April 30, 2011

Daddy Issues

I know I haven't posted too much about Aura's 'dad'... I'll try to backfill later but suffice to say he's not involved. I've been on this BabyCenter website and just got into a conversation with someone who is about five steps behind me in an extremely similar situation. It's times like these that I'm truly proud of myself for being a strong person. This girl is younger than me and she's so unsure of every decision she'd like to make. We've been going back and forth for a bit but my last response to her was the perfect short(ish) summary of how/why I decided to handle things the way that I did. I'm posting it so I can remember with absolute clarity how I feel at this moment in case I ever start to doubt myself in the future:

MsAngelStarr · you!
Posted 8 minutes ago

"Yes, it is his responsibility to be there for his daughter but for her sake, don't try and force him to be something he's not. When she gets older and he's going in and out of her life, she'll have that hurt and wonder, why doesn't daddy love me enough to come see me all of the time? He can't give something that he doesn't have,"
This is EXACTLY how I feel about it. My father married my mom because she was pregnant with me. He was there for a few years (better than most in that situation) and two other kids... but he started drifting before my youngest sister was born. "Working late", never present... I'm sure you see where this is going. One day during a fight he told my mother that he was never ready for a family and was sorry he tried. We all heard it. My mother was heartbroken but I think it was worse for us... maybe the worst for me. 
I know how it feels to realize one day that your father was there because 'he had to be' and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
It did make me stronger, I'll say that for sure. It made me strong enough to fight for what's right for my daughter. As it stands now I don't speak to the 'dad'. I told him we'd talk and see about visitation when he grows up. He doesn't see her or even pictures of her and he doesn't get updates. If he wants to be involved he has to BE involved. Period. He can't have it both ways.
I will say that I have not shut the door on this issue completely. If he comes back months or years down the line and wants to be involved and more importantly is READY to be involved, then we will certainly talk about it. But you can't make a leopard change his spots. If this dude you're dealing with is unreliable, it's something that he has to (hopefully) grow out of... but don't hold your breath. Boys will be boys. Your daughter deserves to have a family that truly loves her and wants to be with her and that ONLY has her best interest in mind. If that's not him then spare her the years of disappointment down the road. 
 Ultimately it is your decision to make. 
If you need anymore advice from someone who's been dealing with this and, honestly, is pretty damn secure in her decision feel free to contact me. (sorry so longwinded)

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