Monday, September 12, 2011

After the induction... My birth story pt.2 (finally)

It's taken me forever to get this part of my birth story written. Some of it had to do with finding a diplomatic way to do so. There was quite a bit of daddy drama at the hospital after Aura was born and now that I am becoming close with Aurora's extended family I didn't think it would be appropriate for me to write about it. Even if no names were publicly mentioned it would still be obvious to them and that wouldn't be fair. On top of this, I don't want to associate any negative feelings with something so amazing and life changing. I've omitted the drama from this story in exactly the same way that I intend to eventually be able to omit it from my memory. If you missed the first half of this story, you may want to go HERE first.

After the induction I finally felt what a real contraction was like. The problem was I had no build up. I went straight from slightly uncomfortable to 'HOLY SHIT get this baby OUT' in a matter of about 10 minutes. I'm sure that contractions are pretty horrible no matter what but without a chance to even get used to the idea they were unbearable. I've always had a huge tolerance for pain, (I'm the type to super glue cuts closed) but those contractions knocked the wind out of me. Mind you, I had never even had real period cramps before so this was a totally alien feeling to me and I couldn't handle it.
So I gave up...
I got the epidural.
And you know what? I have absolutely no regrets about it. After 36 hours of no progress I was dilated and ready to push within a half an hour of being induced and my little bean was ready to go! I pushed exactly four times and she came flying out to meet the world! Right as they gave her to me the Christmas tree in Rockefeller center was lit! I looked down at this perfect little baby lying on my chest and she looked back at me like she'd been dreaming of that moment for as long as I had. She squeezed my finger and stared at me memorizing my face until the nurse took her to get weighed and measured.
I know it's a cliche but when people tell you that your life will be forever changed at that moment, they are right. It's a change you can't even prepare for... it's not about changing diapers or putting someone else first. This change is on a cellular level. I was a different person the moment I held her. When she looked up at me it was like she had known me forever and she saw no failures or heartache. My painful past didn't matter. I wasn't an artist or a bartender, a cook or a DJ... I was just her mom and that was more than enough. It was the ultimate clean slate. I was and still am all of those things, but they pale in comparison to this new grand title of mother.
My best friend and the dad came in to meet her. I ate yet another very boring turkey sandwich but I swear nothing had ever tasted better! I was brought up to my room while they cleaned and dressed my little one. I still hadn't officially given her a name but I think I always knew it would be Aurora. I just wanted to keep it to myself and sleep on it one last time before I shared it, and her, with the world.
Aurora slept most of the night by my side in her little cot while I stared at her wondering how I could've made something so perfect. When she woke I would snuggle with her and try to breastfeed but she didn't seem very interested and then we noticed she was having a little trouble breathing. She wasn't getting air through her nose so she kept pursing her lips and exhaling through them making little phhft noises. It's impossible to describe. If it wasn't so scary, I'd say it was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. The nurses kept coming to try to suction her nose and they took xrays to make sure her lungs and sinuses were okay. She never got to latch because she couldn't breathe through her nose. I pumped and we gave her the little I could get but she was jaundice and getting worse so once a full day but had passed without her getting a substansial feeding they gave her formula in the nursery. It's the only complaint I have about the whole hospital experience really. I suppose I understand why they did it but you'd think they would've let me be the one to give it to her! They were still pretty concerned about her jaundice so they had to put her under the bilirubin lights for awhile.
Aura's little blue 'tanning booth'.
Between Aura's seemingly waning health, my post pregnancy hormones and a decent dose of drama I had a small nervous breakdown. Ok, maybe not a full-on nervous breakdown but I lost my cool, and I never do that. One of the times they took her to the nursery to check on her nose and her bilirubin levels I started to panic about her not getting better and getting down on myself for not being able to breastfeed. Before I knew it, I was in front of the nursery demanding to see her, one of the nurses came up to me and told me they had a scare because she thought Aurora was turning blue for a minute and I lost it. I ended up talking to a chaplain at the hospital for a little bit because she came in to see how I was doing and that helped. Then I proceeded to write a long letter to Aura's father and that helped even more. Maybe I just needed to let a few things out. Once my little bean was back in the room with me and they said the test results looked a little better I calmed down a lot. She had to remain under the lights for a full 24 hours but the doctors assured me that she was going to be fine. I was technically discharged but allowed to stay in my room so I could be with her (which I thought was amazing of them).
The next day we were given the all clear and we headed home to begin our little love story...
Yeah, this suit in NO way fit yet. But it was freezing.

4 comments:

Small Kucing said...

Gosh! 36 hours birth. That is a very long time. Mine was too big. Cant come out. Had to have emergency C-sect :(

MsAngelStarr said...

Well to be fair less than a third of that was actual labor. Most of it was just anxiously waiting to dilate, watching bad TV and trying(failing) to get some rest. The actual birthing part was pretty easy... once I was numb that is haha.
I completely understand the emergency C-section thing, despite what some people say babies are much bigger these days than they used to be and some need help getting out. All that matters is that they come out healthy!

Idiot Mom said...

The funny thing about childbirth is that the pain is always forgotten a year later and you'll do it all over again. BTW, the pics of my children on the way home from the hospital - they are all screaming!

MsAngelStarr said...

Oh I'm sure... I've already forgotten about it. If I had posted this a few months ago I'm sure the pain part would've been much more descriptive haha. Aurora slept the whole time... she LOVES sleeping, still does! ((Knocking FURIOUSLY on wood!!!)) Hahaha

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